Why, When I Can Lay On The Couch?

I have somewhat of an addictive personality. When I get into things, I REALLY dive in. For instance, any time I read a Harry Potter book I’ll start throwing spells into normal conversation, rendering the conversation completely abnormal. If I start to read a blogger with whom I identify, I’ll go through just about everything they’ve written and bring the topics up with strangers because it’s fresh in my mind and exciting. Most times it’s the new things, those I’m just learning about for the first time, that are the most enjoyable. It gives me something to do with my mind, external stimulation that keeps me from boredom.

Let me expand on that. My dad came to visit a couple days ago and our conversation led to a discussion of introverts and extroverts. This is a HOT topic of conversation when my family gets together because of the drastic behavior and personality differences between each member of my family. Dad is an introvert while mom is an extrovert. My sister is a mix of both, but she identifies herself as an introvert. I’m also a mix of both, but I’m realizing now I’m more of an extrovert than some of my habits would have me believe.

I thought I may be more of an introvert because of the time I spend alone after work reading, watching TV, working on design projects, listening to podcasts while working on something in the garage…etc. However, apparently that’s not the way most introverts deal with time alone. In fact, it’s hard for me to sit still in the quiet with nothing but my thoughts. That may be a subject fit for its own post, but let’s worry about that another time.

I thoroughly enjoy having something over which I can obsess. Mostly, I enjoy learning about things that can help me make myself a better person. My fear of becoming stagnant in life, ending up working or living somewhere I don’t enjoy because I’ve lost my will to progress looms over me more than most. It’s not that I really think that will end up happening, but I see people twenty+ years older than me who genuinely do not enjoy what they’re doing day to day and it’s evident in their attitude and appearance. Those same people had similar ideals and drive that I have now, so what happened along the way?

I think people stop finding things to be really excited about. Not that they don’t get excited, but they don’t find inspiration in the things around them to keep them progressing. Not just progressing professionally, but making sure that they do their absolute best in any of their endeavors. That slope downward for most is a gradual slide to a more comfortable, sustainable area.

My wife thinks I gauge where I am on the scale of excitement to boredom with life too often, with too much focus. Maybe I should just lean back and let life take me where it will, but I’d rather think about where I’d like to be and work toward that. To fill the time, I find things to better myself like taking up a new hobby, building on an old skill or learning about a new subject. Recently however, I haven’t had much of a drive to work on the things I already have on my plate, let alone shift my focus to something else.

I need something to obsess over. Ideally, it would be the tasks that have already been asked of me. That’s been more of an avoidance than an obsession. I have items on my list that have been there for months and I just keep putting them off. Sometimes I think, Maybe I should learn something new and that will catapult me to new inspiration that will help with existing projects. Then comes the thought, Why would I learn something new when I can’t even work on what’s in front of me? That’s silly, Dylan, focus on the task at hand! Here’s where I’m running into trouble. I can’t get past that hurdle. I’ll say I’ll start to work on something I should already have finished, but after staring at it for about 30 minutes I’ll decide I’m just not in the right mindset right now, I should revisit it later when I’m in that frame of mind.

And that frame of mind never comes. The final thought is, I’ll never be good enough at this for it to matter, I should quit now before I waste any more of my time. Instead of thinking I’m wasting time, I will leave and ACTUALLY waste time by doing things that don’t matter to anyone.

My desire to finish things has left me (however temporarily) with an extreme lack of confidence. The past few weeks have been filled with a lot of movie watching and completing insignificant tasks. I haven’t had the drive to do things I used to do every day. I know it’s temporary, I’ve been in slumps like this before. When I think about it though, it seems like this is how things are going to be forever, which brings me back to that fear of “coasting” through life.

This is how I feel right now. It will change, but nothing I’ve done so far has brought back my drive. I need something to obsess about, but mostly I need my self-motivation back.